"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
"Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling." "Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
"Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die." "Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
"Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it."
"Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river."